How would you know if you have arrived? I was browsing old files today and found my video interview about the rise of civil society in Indonesia. I hadn’t known about the interview until about an hour prior, but I had been looking forward to deliver a message in the angle I wanted, which is this: to properly rise, everyone need to collectively rise above their own identities, and recognize that they are part of a bigger system. I was targeting people who get invited to speaking events and spend the time talking about themselves and how they made the journey.
Let me say this: public speaking is hard. Being a good speaker is a gargantuan task, if not impossible, honestly. You know how you’re supposed to not worry about getting everyone to like you? Forget that. A public speaker’s success is defined by audience impression and acceptance rate. It’s entirely subjective, uneven, and involves making everyone happy. Five years ago I founded a community that gathers regularly to hear new ideas. We were scouting and pitching speakers all the time, trying to build a sense of understanding speaker quality. Over time we grew better at it, and eventually the community had a sustainable brand for having good speakers. But it’s still hard.
What is the problem? Intentions matter. When you’re invited to speak, anywhere, you might be asked to “share your experience”. This is correct but inadequate. The goal behind sharing your experience is to help others learn from them. That’s it. That’s the goal. You are there to help other people learn.
You are not there to make yourself look good; that is a hygiene factor and saying otherwise implies a strange assumption, as if off-stage, in everyday communication, you don’t have the obligation of making yourself look good. Did you come on time? Did you say thank you to the mike guy? Did you wait in line for snacks? You may have done all of these things, which makes you a good person, but that’s not why you are put on that stage.
Another argument for speakers to talk about themselves is “building credibility”. I’d stick my neck out here and say that, aside from the fact that your credibility is already established, as all the audience have willingly come to hear from you, this is a mysterious Asian notion. It also applies to the other extreme, which is to apologize profusely for lack of experience / knowledge during speech. This is done to establish humility. It’s commendable, but again, not why you are put on that stage.
Again: when you are asked to share your experience, it’s not about you. It’s about helping others to learn. Invite the audience to marvel at the idea, not at yourself. Ask them to be concerned and be anxious of a problem. Humility is good, but instead of proclaiming how unqualified you are to speak on the subject, speak about the limitations of understanding this idea, and how people can seek to understand it better. Share the unanswered questions you have on your mind, even if you don’t know the answer. Not knowing the answer does not make you inadequate to speak about a problem, especially if you have been asking the right questions.
Perhaps the question, then, is how would you know if you are in possession of the right questions? I’m probably the worst person to have a say here. One thing I can do spectacularly well is drive everyone crazy by assigning meaning to the most inane details. One time I ranted for half an hour to a friend about those flight security announcements: “Locate the exit closest to you. Note that the nearest exit may be behind you.” OK sure, we’ve all heard this dozens of times, but when applied to life, does it occur to you how unbelievably deep this is? Locate your exits. Bear in mind the nearest exit may be *behind* you. Look back. Mind the journey. How is this not included in motivation posters, in support-group mantras, in meditation exercises? I have no idea where I was going with this, neither did my poor friend, who graciously accepted his earful. The truth is, I wanted to talk about it to everyone who would listen. I had to. It was something bigger than my comprehension or identity. I don’t know why, but it must be said.
The secret is that nobody ever knows if they have arrived. When people are asked to “share your journey”, it sets off a self-identity crisis, one where the invited person are forced to ask, wait, what does this mean to where I am now? If you are one of these people, I have two things to say to you:
Calm down. Not knowing if you have arrived need not be a source of anxiety.
You are enough. Share about what you know, what you learned. Indulging in subjectivity is okay, because you’re talking about what you have found to work in your case.
If you are a 10-year-old female entrepreneur, “be nice and just ask for what you want” may be what have worked successfully for you. Share that. If a 35-year-old man heard the message and tried it, and failed, that’s not an indication that you are wrong. The audience, and don’t let anyone say otherwise, is responsible to draw their own insights.
Tika Anindya 